10 August 2010

envy

thoughts by Lisa C

This is a really weird thing to talk about, but it was swimming around in my mind as I was nursing my son back to sleep.

My younger brother married just 2.5 months before I did. He's younger by six years. He married his high school girlfriend, the only girl he had ever dated, four years after they got together. When they married, she was three months pregnant, and fresh out of high school.

We found out about the pregnancy shortly after my husband and I married. They produced a beautiful, angelic daughter, that several of us were instantly attached to. She looked almost exactly like my mother. She was sweet and very sensitive. Her face was porcelain, and when she learned to talk, her voice was sweet music.

I envied my brother. As horrible as it sounds, I didn't feel like he deserved her. I still don't. I've been angry at times over how he's treated her. He's not a terrible father, but he's not a great one. I feel like she's just too special, too sensitive to be raised in this manner. Then only thing that gives me peace is something wise my sister said about how we are born into the families we need to be in, and she thinks my niece is going to be very important to the well-being of my brother's family.

Much of her reminds me of myself. Her reserved disposition and sensitivity towards others, for example. But her beauty far surpasses what I ever looked like, even at my cutest moment in childhood. Sometimes....sometimes...I wish she were mine.

My brother knows that she is special, and she is obviously the favorite of his three daughters. At least he can recognize that she is special. My mom clearly favors her among her grandchildren, although thankfully my son is a pretty close second, I think (though really, how could he compete with a granddaughter that looks just like her?). I hate favoritism, but when it exists, it definitely feels better to be one of the favorites.

Last night I mentioned to my sister how I was jealous that my brother got my sweet niece and not me. It's not that I would rather have her than my son (most certainly not!), but rather, I wish I had her in addition to my son. I admitted that it must be wrong to feel that way, but she said she couldn't blame me.

As I lay in bed nursing my son just before writing this, I wondered to myself if there was any possibility that I could have had her. I believe we all exist before we are born, as spirits in heaven. I've heard people from my church say that God will place children in families who are willing to take them. That using contraceptives can mean that a child who may have gone to one family may end up in another, so that they can be born when they need to be born. If there was any way for this to be the case with me and this little girl, I would have had to marry several months sooner and then get pregnant right away. So...probably not. Unless God foresaw that we would be using contraceptives for the first few years of marriage, and so sent her to the next closest relative that happened to be practicing unprotected sex. I dunno. I suppose at this point it doesn't really matter.

Here's what I do know. She is meant to be in my life. If I only get to be her aunt, so be it. But I would not be surprised at all if she came and lived with me at some point in her life. I really feel like I am meant to teach her something...like help her understand how special she is.

I miss her all the time. I love all my nieces and nephews, but she is the one I think about. I feel that somehow I need to cement our relationship with each other, but I don't know how to go about it. My brother and his family live 45 minutes away, making regular visits difficult. I'm not sure what to do, but I know that she needs to know that her Aunt Lisa loves her dearly, and will always be here for her.

 

6 Comments:

  1. Unknown said...
    August 11, 2010 at 12:51 PM  
    ok, this post triggered a couple of things in me, so i'm owning that - it's my things, not you. i think i can speak blunlty with my friends. :)

    "That using contraceptives can mean that a child who may have gone to one family may end up in another, so that they can be born when they need to be born."

    one of the dumbest spiritual things i've heard, and i've heard many.

    'specialness' in children rubs me up the wrong way, really badly.
    ALL children are special, and some just have a unique connection with us.
    i don't believe that just sweet and sensitive children are special. i think that's a conditioned idea from a society that puts (too) high value on 'well-behaved' and 'good' children.

    i have 3 nieces in uk, and one has a special connectiong to me. because we are similar. yes, she even happens to be a little sweet, and certainly sensitive. but she isn't any more special than the others. i just resonate with that personality in her.

    as for which children we get - i believe the souls choose us, or our souls and their souls find aenergetic connection, or god chooses if you prefer.

    i, a calm, compassionate, sensitive, mindful mama, got a physically demanding, contrary, willful, argumentative little girl! wtf?
    i don't think it's a matter of DESERVED her or otherwise, but rather what the universe/god knew i and her needed each other.

    as a sensitive and kind child, i was given to a materialistic uncompassionate mother. but i am a stronger more mindful person for it.

    finally, i tried to worm my way into my fave nieces life, because i arrogantly thought i would be a better influence. i dislike how hard her father, loving as he is, has been on her. but i have come to realise that she is with that father for a reason. we have our relationship, and that's a different thing.

    ok, that's me done. lol
    Lisa C said...
    August 11, 2010 at 2:15 PM  
    You know, after I wrote this, I thought about some of her other traits that I love, such as her fiery temper--again like me, but also like her father. She's not even considered one of the "best-behaved" of my mother's grandchild--my sister has told me of discussions my mom has had with my stepdad about this. I really hate that they discuss who is the best-behaved and otherwise comparing them. But let's just say she is not considered by them to be at the top of the list when it comes to behavior.

    I do believe everyone is special in their own way. Too bad I have no other way of explaining it. Especially since I don't even understand her purpose. But some people do good things with their life, some do great things, and so do even greater things still. And some choose to spend their lives frivolously, or even wickedly. I think she will do great things, even if they don't even reach outside of her own family.

    I'm sure I've said several things in this post that are wrong. But I don't know which. I was just trying to process something I can probably never fully process. My feelings are deeply intertwined with my thoughts here. These are my feelings. Feelings often don't make sense. The hardest feeling here, is the one of pain. Not being with my niece causes me pain.

    Going back to the special thing...maybe the reason I used that word so much is because I fear that she won't recognize it in herself. Won't even try to explain that, because it will probably just come out all wrong. Those are emotions for you.

    I think many more people in my church believe that our children choose us, by the way. Just want to clarify, I wasn't speaking for my church, just sharing a theory that some have had. Do you really think there are dumb spiritual thoughts? I think it's just how we process the great unknown.
    ~Tara said...
    August 12, 2010 at 6:08 PM  
    I really connected to what you said about her possibly being yours and instead just meant to be in your life.

    We've gone through a lot of infertility in the past few years. I constantly felt the "presence" of a little girl, but it just wouldn't happen. Then my sister got pregnant with a little girl. And there is such an instant connection with her that I have a hard time wondering if maybe she was the one "hanging around". I hurt that she isn't from my own womb, but we are kindred spirits nonetheless. She is most definitely in my life in a very important way.

    I miss her badly being on the road. :(
    Lisa C said...
    August 13, 2010 at 12:30 PM  
    Tara, thank you so much for sharing your story. It's interesting, like maybe your niece wanted to be in your life so much that she hung around you until she could be born. It must be so hard to be apart from her.

    It's nice to know someone else with a similar experience, I'm so glad you shared yours.
    Unknown said...
    August 15, 2010 at 12:38 PM  
    i don't think you said anything 'wrong'. it's a dialogue this blogging thing. i was just throwing in my 2 pence into the 'specialness' dialogue.

    no, you're right, there are no dumb spiritual thoughts. i didn't say it well. i meant dumb thought used in a spiritual context.
    but that's also my prejudice against guilt-inducing religious thought. a whooole 'nother topic lol :)
    Lisa C said...
    August 15, 2010 at 6:18 PM  
    I guess by 'wrong' I meant that my feelings--which this post was composed almost entirely of--aren't always a reflection of what I really believe in. Actually, writing this post, reading the comments, and having a discussion with a friend about it, has helped me come closer to my own truths about this whole situation with my niece. If I wrote it now, I would write it a bit differently. Maybe a lot differently.

    I spent a couple of days thinking about the word 'special.' I think it's like the word 'intelligent.' There are too many ways to define it. Every time I came up with a way of describing what I meant about 'special' I'd find something logically wrong with it. Oh, well, what can I say. I feel she's special in a way that's sort of profound for me, and I just don't know any other way of describing it. I know I painted this idealized picture of her...it's just how I see her, but isn't the reason I think she is special.

    Thanks for your thoughts, Mon.

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