It's been hard the past several days. I most definitely suffer from PMDD. I hate that it makes me feel so powerless over my self-control. I hate that nearly every month, I have the opportunity to traumatize my son with yelling, screaming, and self-harming behaviors (I really, really try to hide those from him, but it's getting harder). I am completely not myself when this happens. I recently watched on Oprah a story about a boy who had out-of-control anger episodes. He described it as negative energy channeling through him. He knew it wasn't him, it was this negative energy from around him being absorbed into his body. I feel like that's what happens to me.

I had a massive explosion the other day. The following day my husband called his parents and asked them to watch our son so that I could have some rest. I hadn't been sleeping well because of my son being sick and wakeful during the night. Later that evening, he took me out for a romantic dinner. I hate leaving my son for so many hours in one day, but I decided it was better for him to be around happy people than a psychotic mother. The following day I was able to attend a session at the temple while my husband stayed home with our son. I was beginning to feel calmer and more balanced.

Now my husband is out of town (left two days ago, returns very late tomorrow night). Because of two early dental appointments and an all day babysitting of a four-month-old baby, I have not had enough sleep OR personal space for the space of about two and a half days. I know that doesn't sound so terrible, but I am wiped out. I am so exhausted that I really should be sleeping now during my son's nap, but my brain keeps turning and probably wouldn't let me sleep anyway. My nose is stuffy, and my body aches. Even my head feels cloudy but it's still churning out plenty of thoughts.

After babysitting my niece from 9-6:30 yesterday, it just makes me feel like I don't want another child. And yet I do. I feel so nice and confused right now. I know it's different when it's your own child, but it's still going to be hard. I only hope that the level of maturity my son reaches by the time we have another one will be enough to help me cope. I am so the opposite of supermom. I need 10+ hours of sleep every night, and I don't have the greatest health. My mental health isn't exactly the best, either. Having another baby will only tax me even more. And it scares me what I might do to my son. I became very impatient with him yesterday when the baby was there. What will happen when a baby is there every day? What will happen when I go through my monthly psychosis? I will need strength that is not my own. And yet, ironically, I feel that I do have that strength, but that it is buried beneath so much crap. If only I could just be BALANCED. If only I could just be ME, ALL THE TIME. 


I am so tired. I am so so tired. But not defeated. There's got to be a way. And if there isn't, well, then, I'll just have to accept the fact that my children will have to deal with my problems, and that they may become their problems, too. Maybe, somehow, it will help make them stronger, instead of damaging them as I fear.

I can be a good follower when I respect the leader. The last place I was employed, I had a really good boss who respected me and valued my opinion. We got along great. But then he moved on and along came the she-devil. There she was, younger, less experienced, and determined to prove that she was the boss. She comes traipsing into the site I had worked for a couple years already, where I was the lead staff, probably the best staff member the place had ever seen--I had been recommended for her job, but refused it because I was planning to go back to school. She doesn't bother to talk to me to fill in her on how things were run or what improvements I thought the place needed. Nope. She just ran in and started making changes right away without even bothering to find out what was already working or not working in the place. She made quite a few choices that went badly, that I could have told her wouldn't work, but of course my opinion meant nothing to her. Nothing. I was completely under-appreciated to the point that I was feeling quite mutinous against her. It was a horrible 10 months. In the end she finally admitted to me that I knew what I was doing, that for some reason the clients all responded to me much better than to anyone else that worked there. But she still clearly disliked me. When I finally quit, she was noticeably absent from the farewell party my co-workers put together for me. It had been one of the most hellish periods of my life. I never wanted to work for anybody ever again.

Nearly two years ago, I was called to be a worker in our church nursery. I accepted. The nursery leader was very laid back, so I had no real issue with her, although she was clearly getting worn out. When she was released, she was happy to go, but I was a teeny bit nervous about who would replace her. In comes this large, domineering woman, who is ready to make changes on her first day. A red flag goes up in my mind, but I try to remain calm. I certainly didn't want to develop the same kind of problems I had had with my last boss. As painful as it was, I accepted that I needed to support her in her new role. I whined and complained to my husband and feared I would be miserable with her as the new nursery leader. Luckily, after she got settled in, she started actually asking my opinion on things, we made some positive changes, and then we both relaxed and became friends.

Fast forward one year, and she has been released, and yet another nursery leader has entered in. Again, I was really nervous, and again tried to stay calm about it. And then she too is making changes right off the bat. While I admit it's great for people to be ambitious and want to make change, I really think it's a good idea to be patient for a bit and make observances to see what is and isn't working, and determine if certain changes would really be a good idea, especially considering the little children who like predictability. I also think it just might be a good idea to consult with the nursery worker (me) who has been in there for two years!

Anyway, I do think some of the changes will be good, for sure. But I am feeling rather left out. You see, when this new leader took over, she brought with her another lady, closer to her in age (they are probably in their 50's), and she, too, is excited about change. So the two of them have been plotting--I mean planning--without me. As if to prove that my feelings of invisibility aren't just in my head, the new nursery leader typed up a letter to the children's parents, and closed it with their names. As if I didn't work in the nursery at all. I won't say that didn't hurt.

Change can be really hard on a person, especially when it is thrust on them and they have little or no say in the matter. Most people don't last working in the nursery for more than a year. But I love it. I love it and I enjoy being where my son has access to me. I enjoy knowing what is happening to my son in there. I don't want to go and leave him just yet. But having these feelings of insubordination, especially in a church calling, isn't a good thing. I'm considering asking to be released but then being allowed to come in and help. The change would be subtle but it could make all the difference for me mentally. But who knows, maybe after a few weeks she'll realize that I have a brain in my head after all. And that I care...that I really care what goes on in the nursery.

UPDATE 1/23: I'm feeling better today. I just found out that the new leader doesn't even want me to teach lessons to the kids, which is kind of insulting, but at the same time gets me off the hook of having to plan a lesson every third week. With the change in leadership, it's easier to change some things I saw as problematic as before--such as getting rid of the bleach disinfectant and switching to one made with essential oils--but the funny thing is that I seem to be working through the new nusery worker but not the leader. The leader just doesn't talk to me much. Ah, well. We'll see how it goes.