I've been alone so many, many times in my life. While I'm pretty comfortable with being alone, being a half-recluse (the other half of me's pretty sociable), I do get lonely sometimes.

I was lonely a lot as a child.

I was lonely a lot as a teenager.

I was lonely a lot as a college student.

I was lonely a lot as a bedridden pregnant woman and as a new mother.

I haven't been lonely in a while.

Maybe it's time.

You see, during the times of my life where I spent a great deal of time with myself, I learned so much about who I am. Each period of deep loneliness was a period of transformation for me. I would come out knowing myself so much better that I would simply be in awe at how little I knew myself beforehand.

I love being around people that make me feel happy, but I do need space, too. It's fairly easy for me to be alone...only hard when it goes on for too long.

Some people are always surrounding themselves with others, never giving themselves that mental and emotional space needed for self-evaluation.

I think I've done pretty much everything suggested in that beautiful video. Being alone is easier when it's a choice rather than when it's not, but either way is beneficial. My favorite is going for a walk in the woods alone, although my husband doesn't like it when I do that.

Being away from my regular blog and spending less time at the computer was a choice I made, knowing that it would mean I would be spending more time with myself. It's good. It's refreshing. It's so wonderful to disconnect my brain from the "thinking in blog posts" habit.

Video "How to Be Alone," by Andrea Dorfman and Tanya Davis discovered through Hobo Mama.

As with all troublesome times in my life, the chaos of this last week has taught me some lessons.

But I think I got something better out of it than just lessons. I stepped away from my blog (my other blog) last night, and by doing so, I have opened up my soul to learning. I had been this mode where I would look up specific things I wanted to learn, and I would try to find more and more info to support my own ideas, or find blogging friends that support my way of thinking, etc.

But now, just now, I went to catch up in my blog reader, and I found myself reading posts I would have previously ignored, because they weren't really on my agenda. I can't say I have much of an agenda right now, which is probably why I was open to reading them. And what I read really resonated with me. I think it's part of the path I am about to take.

I feel so open to possibilities right now. I really want to try to allow this, not push it, not guide it at all, but rather follow it. It feels very peaceful, just being and allowing.

I will still be here. In fact, I'll probably show up here more often that I have. But that's just a guess. I have no plans, except to try to reconnect with myself and my family.

I just set my other blog to private, because I'm scared. I did it with no warning, so I know everyone is going to be wondering what happened to me. Just when I was getting the most traffic I've ever had on my blog. Not that I wanted all the traffic, but I feel a little bad knowing that all these people are clicking on links to my blog and hitting a wall. Sorry people.

At least I know a few of you are here. At least, I think so. I hope someone is listening because I need it.

I wrote a stupid post. I was really upset when I wrote it and it garnered A LOT of attention. There weren't a ton of comments, but I could see that I was getting hundreds of visits because of it.

One person wrote a comment that was in regards to what he thought were racial issues with my church. Since I felt it was off topic and not something I wished to discuss on my blog, I emailed the person. I used an email address I never use anymore, because I didn't want this person getting my good email, that had my first and last name in it. But I made a HUGE mistake. I didn't realize my other email showed my last name, too. I accidentally gave this person my full name. I'm not super hung up over protecting my name, but I am careful who I give it to. Now I've slipped up and I'm scared.

I do not trust this person in the least. He revisited my blog and left another comment, but with a different name, a fake URL, and a different email address that had a different name and my last name was in it. It was like he was saying, "I have your name. You're not safe. I'm coming to get you!" I'm seriously scared out of my wits.

That's why I closed my blog. I didn't want him digging around in it for information about me. I've been careful what I've put there, but there are pictures and stories about my son, and it makes me feel ill that he could be sifting through those. I feel like I've been so naive. I've left my blog off search engines, so I figured the people that found their way to my blog would be people with similar interests.

I think he found me through mormonmommyblogs. I'm listed there, among many many others. But seeing as this guy is an ex-mormon, I think he used that site to find mormon women to harass.

I've been googling my name, trying to make sure he can't find any contact info or any other information that I don't want him to have. I don't know if he's tried searching for me already. I don't know if this guy is dangerous.

So, I don't know what will happen with my blog. Maybe I'll keep it closed and open a new one that is safer. I don't know. But that's what's going on, in case you've wondered what the heck happened to me.

UPDATE: The man who was harassing me revealed his identity to me by contacting me through facebook. Turns out he does have the same last name as me. He's my husband's cousin! I learned from my husband that he has some issues. I was angry that he would deceive me by taking on a false identity, but I'm over it now. I feel much safer knowing that he's not intent on harming my family, so I have put my blog back up for the time being. But I am taking a vacation from that blog. I'll probably still show up here now and again, though.

While I have a pretty healthy body-images these days, I won't deny that I've had problems with it in the past. I went through a period in my teen years where I was so concerned about being thin, that I was tempted to try on anorexia or bulimia. Although I never did develop those eating disorders, the fact that I had even considered "trying them out" meant that I did have an eating disorder. Or perhaps more correctly put, a body-image disorder.

One very strange thing about my body-image problem was that I did not really have a self-worth problem. It's true that I often felt isolated and sometimes determined that people didn't really like me, but I thought I was pretty great. I felt I was worthy of love and attention. This really perplexed a therapist I once saw, when I told him my roommates hated me (they certainly acted like it), but that I held a very high opinion of myself. This was because when people have feelings of low self-worth, they often imagine that others don't value them.

Maybe I didn't have a great level of self-worth, but I had enough to survive on. My feelings of worth came from my Heavenly Father. I knew He loved me. I knew He valued me. I knew that I was His child. I knew that Jesus died for me. I knew that God knew my every thought and action, that he forgave me when I did wrong. He understood my heart. He understood me.

This knowledge has carried me through very difficult times in my life. While I am not immune to the world and the messages it sends to us, I have not been without a defense against it. It's true that I've unwittingly allowed some of these messages to slip into my mind and nibble away at my soul, but they've never been able to devour me. My knowledge that God loves and values me has worked like a protective shield...I've only needed to hold it up and shield those evil messages away.

It is unexplainable in the medical and psychological world that someone like me, who is so prone to depression, can have such a high level of self-worth. Depression almost always necessitates feelings of self-loathing or low self-worth. And those feelings certainly have tried to enter into my heart, but thankfully I know better. My testimony of God's love for me is stronger than mental illness. It's stronger than the world's wrongful messages that come through the media and other modes. It's stronger than people who have sought to isolate me. It's stronger than anything.

I have, over time, developed stronger feelings of self-worth on a more intrinsic level. I have been able to heal from past injuries. I have been able to go from trusting that I have value, to feeling that value. But where would I be, had I not believed in God's love for me? There were times in my life when I could have just thrown away what I believe in, sending my hope for peace and happiness along with it, but instead I held fast to the knowledge that an Almighty Being, Creator of us all, loved me.


And I am so grateful for that.