Back in October my mom and I had a....well, I want to call it a "blowout" but really it wasn't exactly a fight, and there wasn't any yelling...but a certain issue had surfaced where we are on opposite ends with neither of us willing to budge. Sometimes it's a good thing when an issue is hashed out, but in this case I don't think it helped at all. If anything, I feel it's made things even more difficult for me.

The issue at hand is breastfeeding in her house. She's not opposed to breastfeeding, but she is adamantly opposed to breastfeeding being visible to any male in her house. She fully expects all nursing mothers in her house to cover up with a blanket or go into the "pink room"--a quiet, but cold room upstairs and away from everyone. Once, when my son was a newborn, I tried to nurse him in her family room, with only women present, and she told me that it wasn't okay, because a male could walk into the house at any moment. Not too long afterward, she told me I couldn't nurse my son in the living room at my stepbrother's house, either (considering it wasn't even her own house, I was really bothered by that).

The past two and a half years have been bothersome when it comes to nursing my son at her house. We're there at least once a month, and when we are there, I am trying to socialize with other members of my family. Given the limited amount of time I have with them, and the sheer number of family members I have to get around to visiting with (there are over 40, with siblings and nieces and nephews and in-laws and all), that to have to get up in the middle of a conversation and run off to some far off part of the house when my son needs to nurse is really annoying. No one ever follows me to continue the conversation, even the other mothers, so it just dies right then and there. Unless I choose to postpone my child's need, which becomes all the more tempting as he's gotten older (although then I have to deal with him poking my breasts and tugging at my shirt if he's really insistent).

My mom thinks it's no big deal to cover a baby with a blanket, but she only breastfed each of me and my siblings for three months. Combined, that's a total 15 months. Yeah, no big deal to do that for 15 months, in three month increments, but I'm almost at 30 with my son, and will probably continue for at least six more months and I do plan to have more kids. And it's not just a convenience thing for me. I'm philosophically against covering my child with a blanket unless it's going to help him fall asleep. If it magically helped him nurse better as a newborn, I would have done it, but on the contrary, it was quite impossible to do at that stage. Overall, it just feels wrong to me.

So, one day in October, I was really sick of going off to the pink room to nurse my son. He wanted to nurse while I was having a conversation with my mom. I broke off from the conversation and moved over to a recliner in the next room, still fully visible to my mom, figuring we could finish the conversation from there. Apparently, my mom was too upset to continue talking. When my stepdad and stepbrother walked into the room, she got up and covered my son and me with a heavy wool blanket. It was really hot, but I was too scared to pull it off--afraid, I guess, of offending her further. But I did not pull it over my son's head. I felt I was being courteous enough--having my shirt adjusted so that no one could see any bit of my breast. But apparently the incident was so highly uncomfortable (according to my mom) for the guys, that she had to make an official announcement that there would be no open breastfeeding in her house. My stepdad warned me that this announcement would occur at the next family dinner.

I immediately contact my stepsister, the only other female in my family to openly breastfeed. We were both upset about the new rule, and felt it would be very embarrassing to have it publically announced when clearly we were the only two violators. There was some emailing done between my mother and me. I told her how I felt about being ostracized in her house, but that I had always done it out of courtesy to her, even though I hated it. She took this as meaning that I hated her. Despite all my arguments in favor of nursing openly, despite my explaining how difficult her attitude about it has been for me to deal with, she said she would hold firm to her position. She said she decided over 30 years ago how she felt about it, and that she wasn't going to change her mind. I ended up smoothing things over as best I could. My mom is great about pretending arguments never happens, so now we are just pretending like this one never did. Great for my mom, sucks for me.

I'm back where I was, having to go to the pink room to nurse, only this time it isn't out of courtesy. This time it's because of her rule. I thought about how I was really beginning to delay nursing my son when we're over there, and I really don't like how my mom's rule is interfering with my parenting. I decided that I would just immediately nurse him whenever he needed it, and just drop whatever I was doing and go to the stupid pink room. I had my first chance on Christmas Eve. All the family was gathered in the living room for the Christmas program. I was so excited that my family was doing something Christ-centered for Christmas this year, and I really wanted to enjoy it. My sister-in-law was singing a beautiful song when my son started to cry, as his Grandpa was holding him but he wanted me. I took him out of the room for a moment, but then I realized he was only upset because he had wanted to sit with me, so I thought he'd be okay if we went back in and I held him. He didn't cry anymore, but he still needed comforting, and he asked to nurse. I really didn't want to leave in the middle of the program. I hesitated for a moment, but then remembered my resolve immediately got up and left. I left the door to the pink room open so I could hear what was going on. Soon, I heard the distant voices of my little nieces and nephews singing a Christmas song. I was so sad I was missing it. I cut my son off before he was quite finished so we didn't have to miss anything else.

So. What do you do when your own mother is the one who makes things difficult for you? When you can't even stand up for what you believe in because it will be too upsetting for her? If it was just me she was affecting, it was be easier for me to just suck it up. But it isn't just me--it's my child, too. My mom's rule does not exactly encourage me to be the best mother when I'm at her house. I guess what really bothers me is not that this thing is difficult to deal with--I can deal with difficult things, we all do--but that I feel my mother should be supportive of me. To be perfectly honest with myself, I have to admit my mother's opinion has an influence over me. If she was supportive of public nursing, it would be so much easier for me to do it, not just in her house, but anywhere. I can have the support of a million people, but without her support, I don't feel fully supported. There's a huge gap where her support should be, and it prevents me from standing my tallest in regards to this issue. If you've ever read anything regarding my struggle with public nursing on my other blog, I can pretty much guarantee my mother is the reason I wrote it.

There is no easy answer to this. I have to sacrifice certain things in order to keep peace with her. How do you weigh the relationship with your mother against one little (but kinda big) part of parenting?

I know that you, my friends, don't have my answer. But I had to get this out. I need my friends to know what I'm dealing with. It's something I don't even have to think about most of the time, but then when I'm at her house, and my son needs to nurse, it's like there's a great clashing in my heart. It makes me feel as though I'm at a complete loss.

Have you ever had anyone delete a comment you left on their blog? Did you feel insulted, or did you laugh or brush it off? This happened to me today, and I feel a mix of feelings about it. First, I felt insulted that she would just close off the conversation like that. I was going to leave another comment to sort of 'soften' my previous comment a bit, as it was a little on the spirited side, but when I saw she had deleted it, I was just going to brush it off. Then I felt bad, that perhaps I had insulted her and she just couldn't handle it. And the truth of it is, I know this person to be rather judgmental but also easily offended. And she's my sister-in-law.

Yeah.

In her post she was sort of bragging about how her three boys all go to bed on their own at 7pm and don't wake till 7am. Okay, that's fine, she can brag if she wants. Then she went on to talk about another mother who couldn't get her six-year-old down before nine, and she said the mother shouldn't make a big deal about it--that she is the parent and should act like it. I thought that was a little judgmental. Then she put in parentheses that the mother was 'crazy.' Okay, that sounded really judgmental. Then she said that a six-year-old should be in bed by 7. By then I was thinking, What the heck? Who is she to dictate who should be in bed by when? Then I took a breath, and told myself that she is allowed to think that children should be in bed early. But then she said she thought it was the saddest thing to see a little kid in the grocery store at 9:00 at night. That was it, that was the final straw. I had to say something.

I don't think I was mean. I simply related a few stories, including my own, of how later bedtimes work better for some children and their families. I pointed out that in some cultures the children go to bed at the same time as the parents and said I didn't think they were sleep deprived. I validated her point that children need a good night's rest, but said that what worked for her family doesn't work for everybody. I wasn't snarky or anything.

I either told her she can't expect others to do what she does, or that she can't judge their situation, or both. Since she erased it I can't go back and check.

Then, at the very end of my long comment, I asked, genuinely, if she knew of any studies that supported early bedtimes as being healthier for children. I'm interested in the whole sleep issue, and I wanted to know. I'm afraid she might not have interpreted it as being a genuine question, though.

I'm a sensitive person, and this whole deleted comment thing just ruined my day. I found myself feeling stressed and snapping at my son. I decided to leave another comment after all, simply stating that I was sorry for telling her not to judge because I know it sucks to be told what to do. And it's true. I could have written that whole comment much better if I hadn't had so much emotion behind it. I don't believe there is anything wrong with writing emotionally, but in this case, I may have been able to reach her better if I had written it differently. I could have said the same things, but in a gentler way. Like I said, I wasn't mean or snarky or anything, but I could have used a little more sensitivity. People can be rather sensitive when you disagree with them.

What do you, my friends, think about this? Do you just write whatever you feel like, or have you learned the art of saying what you mean, but in a sensitive way? What if it's a family member you are dealing with? I try to stay on good terms with my family, but this woman is always saying things that make my head spin. I've already had to swallow my pride once to smooth things over with her, but I don't know how much of her I can take. Argh.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I needed to get this off my chest.

*UPDATE*
I went back to the post to see her response to my apology and she said she had no idea what I was talking about. She says she never saw my comment. I was sick over this issue for nothing! On the one hand, I'm glad I didn't offend her, but on the other hand, I didn't get to express my opinion to her. She's bugged me more than once on the sleep issue and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to 'enlighten' her. lol Oh, well. She really isn't the sort to be open to ideas different than hers anyway.