It's been hard the past several days. I most definitely suffer from PMDD. I hate that it makes me feel so powerless over my self-control. I hate that nearly every month, I have the opportunity to traumatize my son with yelling, screaming, and self-harming behaviors (I really, really try to hide those from him, but it's getting harder). I am completely not myself when this happens. I recently watched on Oprah a story about a boy who had out-of-control anger episodes. He described it as negative energy channeling through him. He knew it wasn't him, it was this negative energy from around him being absorbed into his body. I feel like that's what happens to me.

I had a massive explosion the other day. The following day my husband called his parents and asked them to watch our son so that I could have some rest. I hadn't been sleeping well because of my son being sick and wakeful during the night. Later that evening, he took me out for a romantic dinner. I hate leaving my son for so many hours in one day, but I decided it was better for him to be around happy people than a psychotic mother. The following day I was able to attend a session at the temple while my husband stayed home with our son. I was beginning to feel calmer and more balanced.

Now my husband is out of town (left two days ago, returns very late tomorrow night). Because of two early dental appointments and an all day babysitting of a four-month-old baby, I have not had enough sleep OR personal space for the space of about two and a half days. I know that doesn't sound so terrible, but I am wiped out. I am so exhausted that I really should be sleeping now during my son's nap, but my brain keeps turning and probably wouldn't let me sleep anyway. My nose is stuffy, and my body aches. Even my head feels cloudy but it's still churning out plenty of thoughts.

After babysitting my niece from 9-6:30 yesterday, it just makes me feel like I don't want another child. And yet I do. I feel so nice and confused right now. I know it's different when it's your own child, but it's still going to be hard. I only hope that the level of maturity my son reaches by the time we have another one will be enough to help me cope. I am so the opposite of supermom. I need 10+ hours of sleep every night, and I don't have the greatest health. My mental health isn't exactly the best, either. Having another baby will only tax me even more. And it scares me what I might do to my son. I became very impatient with him yesterday when the baby was there. What will happen when a baby is there every day? What will happen when I go through my monthly psychosis? I will need strength that is not my own. And yet, ironically, I feel that I do have that strength, but that it is buried beneath so much crap. If only I could just be BALANCED. If only I could just be ME, ALL THE TIME. 


I am so tired. I am so so tired. But not defeated. There's got to be a way. And if there isn't, well, then, I'll just have to accept the fact that my children will have to deal with my problems, and that they may become their problems, too. Maybe, somehow, it will help make them stronger, instead of damaging them as I fear.